When Your Long Distance Loved One Has a Few Months to Live

National Institute on Aging

When Ellen’s father, Sam, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, she was 4 months into her second pregnancy. Her mother had died several years earlier. During her mother’s illness Ellen, then single, had gone home almost every weekend to help her father and be with her mother. After her mother’s death, she stayed close to her dad, even helping him move to an assisted living facility in his own town. Sam was happy. He enjoyed playing bridge, dining in the common room, and taking walks through his hometown. Over time, Ellen did her best to visit her father. With two young children, she couldn’t get there regularly, but she made a point of calling Sam twice a week. Eventually it became harder for Sam to catch his breath and on some days he was too tired to get out of bed. Sam died quietly one night in his sleep. Ellen said she had no regrets: She had done everything she needed to do in her relationship with her father. Knowing this comforted her.

The news that a family member is dying is difficult to bear—and yet, it is a basic part of life. When you hear that a parent has a terminal illness, you may be flooded with emotions: Sorrow, disbelief, anger, anxiety. It can be hard to know what to do or what to say. Fortunately, many organizations are working to improve the lives of dying people and their families. Try to locate a hospice program. Hospice provides special care for people who are near the end of life. Check with Medicare for information on hospice benefits.

Talk to your own friends, clergy, or colleagues. Just about everyone has experienced the serious illness and death of a beloved friend or family member. Exchanging stories can help you as you cope with your own loss and with trying to decide what you can do.

Contact your parent’s doctor and talk to your own doctor as well to find out what will need to be done, the kinds of care that your mother or father is likely to need, and how you can arrange for it to happen.

Some people find that it is very hard to talk about death and dying, and will go to great lengths to avoid the subject. Difficult as it is, talk to your parents about what is going on, but if you can’t have that conversation, don’t let that add to your worry. There is no single “right” way to approach the death of a loved one.