LET GO OF THE PAST

By Dr. Marion Somers, Ph. D., Ask Dr. Marion

QUESTION: My mother and I didn't get along for decades before I took on the role of caregiver for her six months ago. I often find it difficult to do my best because of old hurts and grudges. Do you have a way I can get over this? Pauline in Pennsylvania, 65

ANSWER: Many child/parent relationships did not go the way they were intended or we had hoped for. Unfortunately, this is a very common occurrence in life. Many caregivers have taken on the role out of a deep sense of duty and obligation to do what is right, not because they are close to their elder who is now in need.

The first thing you should do is accept your mother for who she is and not who you wish she was or had been in the past. Take into account the stress and the cards she was dealt in life. Most parents repeat the parenting they had and don't know how to break a bad pattern or even realize that there was a problem. Your mother might not have been perfect in her life?but who is? Realize that most people do the best that they can with the skills and talents that they have. Try not to look at her weaknesses and faults. Focus on her pure humanity and any positives. If you liked the cookies she baked when you were 10 years old, let her know. Find any common ground and start a new relationship with your mother from there.

I realize that your caregiving challenge is costing you time, money, and energy. So try to make the best of it. This fresh approach to the relationship could deliver a great sense of serenity in both of your lives. Accept your mother's limitations and face the future together with a fresh slate. It's always a little miracle when you realize you can't change the past.

By accepting your mother in this way, you are also honoring her, and this is a powerful way to move forward. You'll be better equipped to deal with your caregiving challenge. Your energy won't be sapped by negative thoughts. Look at your caregiving responsibility as an opportunity to be a role model for your own kids. Let go of the anger and old hostilities. Once you do, harmony can prevail, and negatives may become positives.